Dear student,
Thank you for blaming me for your procrastination. Of course there was no way for you to know that registration for fall would happen before the day classes started. This makes logical sense.

As far as picking courses, students are able to see exactly the same information regarding course availablity that advisors can; if you see that everything you want to take is full, that's what I will see as well. The college is currently in development for this secret page, magic button, and/or fairy wand that I can use to suddenly find classes that are open and available just for you, because you are, in fact, special. However, you do not yet possess the knowledge of the secret code to access these options, so I am afraid you are not THAT special.  You will just have to register early for spring.

Best,

Dear student,
Thank you for your email today. However, nothing has changed between yesterday and today. You still do not have the prerequisite. I still cannot waive that prerequisite. I know there is some magic pill or something that I should have taken that would give me this super power, but the genie did not grant your wish, or mine. Please follow the process that every other student has to follow, because you still are not that special.

Sincerely,

Me

Parking Lot Rules for Students

As the new semester starts, here is just a reminder of some things that will help with parking:

1) Please feel free to park in the Employee parking lot. Don't worry, as you've mentioned to me many times before, you are special.

2) Please ignore the NO LOADING OR UNLOADING sign. It is there just as a funny gag. You don't actually block any kind of traffic while you are waiting there to pick up your significant other.

3) Speaking of significant others, please provide as much PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as possible. We know and understand that it will be AT LEAT one WHOLE hour before you see them again.

4) The NO LOADING OR UNLOADING zone is absolutely perfect for the above mentioned PDA. Since he has to get out of the car anyway to "let" her drive home it's a perfect time to do the 20 minute goodbyes.

5) Please walk down the middle of the parking rows while texting on your cell phone. Don't worry, I don't have anywhere to be anytime soon. Take all the time you want.

6) Please talk on your cell phone wall trolling for parking spaces. Your lack of attention assists in running over other students and hitting already parked cars.

7) Please drive at the crazy speed of at least 40 mph while in the parking lot. It makes my morning exciting and helps me become fully alert.

8) Please don't use any signals. They just confuse.

9) I know you don't want the new Hummer daddy bought for you to get scratched, so please feel free to take up more than one parking space. There isn't a parking crisis on campus, so this isn't a problem.

10) Feel free to park in red zones and hadicap parking. It's fine if it's only for a minute.

Thank you.

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email this morning. I appreciate your urgent question that required my immediate response. However, I am not awake, nor at work, at 4 am. My bad.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email notifying me that your assigned advisor is sick. You are correct, he is sick. According to the rest of your email you say “I cannot register.” This is also correct. What a bummer.

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email. You ask a very good question about the pop up. The pop up window that came up indicating that this course requires 20 hours of service means that there is 20 hours of service. I know that’s weird and unclear. And we should definitely be more clear about what it means. Because it’s confusing to see something saying “this course requires 20 hours of service outside of the classroom” and know that what that means is there are 20 hours of service required outside of the classroom. Very complex, I know.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for sending me three emails within 5 minutes. They all included the exact same information. And none of the included the information I actually need- like you student ID. That was extremely helpful. 

Sincerely,

Me