Dear Student,

Thank you for your email. Instructions are definitely just guidelines. They are not intended to provide helpful information at all. You are correct to assume that the phone number provided in the instructions is NOT the number you should contact. You should definitely just contact me even though the instructions say if you encounter this specific situation to contact that other number. Ignore that. That number is just a prank line. Not helpful at all. I just wanted to see how many students would be dumb enough to follow directions. You are definitely smarter than the instructions and I will give you a SPECIAL set of instructions just because you asked.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student, 

You are right, I should have clarified. In my auto response entitled "Out of the Office" where I say I will be out of the office November 27-December 2, I should have made it more clear that I wouldn't be responding to emails. You are correct, I DO still have access to the internet and email over the holidays. I know this means that I should still be checking my work email, incessantly actually, so that I can respond to your last minute whim to register. And yes, the hold on your account was completely frivolous and had nothing to do with your lack of preparation or accountability.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Remember that class you didn't pass? And that class you went to the director to then withdraw from? Remember how I said you couldn't graduate without that class? And remember how you lied and told me the department chair said you could? Well guess what. YOU DID NOT GRADUATE. YOU CANNOT HAVE A PROOF OF DEGREE FROM ME.



I know this is shocking. I know this is something you may not of heard from me, my department chair, my dean, the director and the graduation office. Why would they tell you that you weren't graduating?

And remember how you begged me to make an exception because you've worked so hard?

Of course you should be so surprised to find out that life doesn't work that way. You should get a "B" for breathing. And because you didn't do the work to finish your degree, I should just make an exception and say that you finished your degree. Because you worked so gosh darn hard.

But according to you, you can say you have a degree. You can tell a potential employer you have a degree. Because saying it makes it true. Why would you need proof? And it is so unfortunate that now the employer is asking for proof. Because apparently just saying it isn't good enough.

Better luck next time.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email today. Of course an anthropology degree will not do you much good. You know, I will be happy to create a degree for you that specifically mentions that your "time and money were not a total waste". Because education is always a complete waste of time and money. Except yours. And since you "don't really care what degree [you] get" I'm happy to just make it up for you.

Additionally I will see what "manipulations" and "exceptions" I can find so you can complete. After all, I would hate for you to feel like you "have to give up" because it's too hard. Especially when you're only two semesters away.

Besides, as you said, you already have a job so why would you need a degree? I completely agree. So, never mind. Just give up and be happy with your current job. I'm sure it will last forever and you will never find it necessary to have a degree. Especially one in "just" Anthropology.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email sent to your faculty today. I am happy that you want to celebrate your husband's best friend's birthday. I know that class totally gets in the way of that. So feel free to just skip class. Your attendance doesn't matter at all. Don't worry about your grade. Go. Have fun. And feel free to continue to do the absolute bare minimum to complete your degree. I know that work and class and responsibilities will continue to hinder your ability to have fun and do whatever you want whenever you want. No problem.

Sincerely,

Me

*this post is based on an actual email received by one of my faculty. The email says (direct copy and paste): 

"I was wondering if I had one more day that I could miss. We are celebrating my husbands best friends' birthday tomorrow and I wanted to join in the celebration if I still had one more class that I could miss." 

I'm sure all faculty everywhere love to see these kind of emails.

Dear Student,

I learned something today. When you send me an email in all capital letters the email system thinks your email is a junk email. Instead of getting to me faster, it actually means I may not get your email at all. 

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for letting me know the specific times you are available. I am happy to call you between 1:00pm and 1:05pm since those are the only times you have available. Never mind that the issue I believe you want to talk to me about is totally impossible. Unless of course you can wow me with your knowledge of Anthropology, reading, writing and Psychology enough for me to decide that you don’t need any of those prerequisites. I am sure your stellar personality and your limited availability is enough for me to arbitrarily decide that you, and just you, should be able to take whatever class you want whenever you want.