Dear Student,

Thank you for your application into our highly competitive program. There were 7 pieces required for your application and I am pleased to announce you completed 1 of them correctly! Congratulations. I was especially impressed by your ability to misspell your own name. 

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Using text speak in your emails just makes me realize how smart and sophisticated you are. It definitely makes me want to help you as much as possible. I am sure that given the amount of intelligence it takes to craft a text speak email you have the critical thinking skills necessary to solve your own problems, but you shouldn’t have to use them. Instead, I am happy to solve all your problems for you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for visiting me on the first day of classes. And congratulations on your decision to change life directions. I am happy for you that you quit the job that was making you miserable and am glad that you want to go back to school. And the first day of class is just that day to make that decision. Never mind that you have not applied, been accepted, posted test scores or any number of things you have to do to return to school. You should just show up to classes.

I know the classes are all full, and I know how surprising that is, but for you we should just make an exception. Procrastination is always key, especially when it comes to your education.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for contacting me yesterday and today. Twice. I agree that your transcripts should have arrived and been evaluated between 5 pm yesterday and 7:30 am this morning. We have elves that work around the clock to evaluate those transcripts because we know it's our fault, not yours, for starting this process so late.

I agree that I should let you register anyway. However, if I do, I am pretty sure my Dean will revoke my privileges and banish me to the outer annex.

I hope you have better luck.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for meeting with me today. I appreciate that you want to get internship credit for your experience. However, we only offer a senior internship. I know that your friend is getting credit, but that's because she is a senior. You are not. I know you should probably share the same class standing because you guys are best friends. And because she can work it into her degree you should be able to. Unfortunately, you are indeed separate people with separate experiences, and her experiences do not qualify you to get credit.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for letting me read your cover letter today. It is an excellent example of quality and thoughtfulness. I especially appreciated that you are applying for a "social position" and that you are looking forward to working with "mentally ill and psycho people". There is not a more professional or eloquent way of phrasing your interest.  I know that your degree in Behavioral Science has done an excellent job in preparing you to work with psycho people. I know working in this department has helped me.

Good luck in your search.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email this morning. I am totally impressed by your ability to completely transform numbers and your critical thinking skills that surpass my level of understanding. Somehow you have managed to make PSY 275R the same as PSY 1010. Though, to me, these look like two different courses because the numbers are different, you have made them be the same!

So yes, don't worry about taking the PSY 1010 course I have recommended that you add for fall. Forget that I told you three different times that it was PSY 1010. You are right that PSY 275R is the exact same thing.

Cool.

Sincerely,
Me