Dear Student,

I love your perception that prefixes to courses do not matter. Of course BESC 3100 and PSY 3100 and SOC 3100 are all the exact same class. The prefix has no bearing on the content, or subject matter, and it is truly only the course number that matters. In that case, please feel free to also look at MATH 3100, ENGL 3100, PHIL 3100 or any other subjects that offer a 3100 course since they would all count to fulfill the exact same requirements.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for coming in and meeting with me multiple times and sending multiple emails. Your email this morning was especially uplifting as I realized all the time I have spent with you previously was a complete waste, as you had to ask, yet again, for the same list of classes I’ve been giving you all along. Thank you for paying such close attention to the advice I have given you and making my time spent with you instead of other students so worthwhile.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your multiple emails this morning. I am sad to admit that despite the fact that you emailed me more than 10 times today, 83 credits is still less than 90 credits – thus, you still can’t register with the 90 credit priority registration. I know that having sent me multiple emails that should change the number of credits you have. I wish I could get you a credit for every email you sent. Unfortunately you actually have to take, AND PASS, classes in order to get credit for them. Better luck next semester.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your application into our highly competitive program. There were 7 pieces required for your application and I am pleased to announce you completed 1 of them correctly! Congratulations. I was especially impressed by your ability to misspell your own name. 

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Using text speak in your emails just makes me realize how smart and sophisticated you are. It definitely makes me want to help you as much as possible. I am sure that given the amount of intelligence it takes to craft a text speak email you have the critical thinking skills necessary to solve your own problems, but you shouldn’t have to use them. Instead, I am happy to solve all your problems for you.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for visiting me on the first day of classes. And congratulations on your decision to change life directions. I am happy for you that you quit the job that was making you miserable and am glad that you want to go back to school. And the first day of class is just that day to make that decision. Never mind that you have not applied, been accepted, posted test scores or any number of things you have to do to return to school. You should just show up to classes.

I know the classes are all full, and I know how surprising that is, but for you we should just make an exception. Procrastination is always key, especially when it comes to your education.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for contacting me yesterday and today. Twice. I agree that your transcripts should have arrived and been evaluated between 5 pm yesterday and 7:30 am this morning. We have elves that work around the clock to evaluate those transcripts because we know it's our fault, not yours, for starting this process so late.

I agree that I should let you register anyway. However, if I do, I am pretty sure my Dean will revoke my privileges and banish me to the outer annex.

I hope you have better luck.

Sincerely,
Me