Parking Lot Rules for Students

As the new semester starts, here is just a reminder of some things that will help with parking: 

1) Please feel free to park in the Employee parking lot. Don't worry, as you've mentioned to me many times before, you are special. 

2) Please ignore the NO LOADING OR UNLOADING sign. It is there just as a funny gag. You don't actually block any kind of traffic while you are waiting there to pick up your significant other. 

3) Speaking of significant others, please provide as much PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as possible. We know and understand that it will be AT LEAST one WHOLE hour before you see them again. 

4) The NO LOADING OR UNLOADING zone is absolutely perfect for the above mentioned PDA. Since he has to get out of the car anyway to "let" her drive home it's a perfect time to do the 20 minute goodbyes. 

5) Please walk down the middle of the parking rows while texting on your cell phone. Don't worry, I don't have anywhere to be anytime soon. Take all the time you want. 

6) Please talk on your cell phone wall trolling for parking spaces. Your lack of attention assists in running over other students and hitting already parked cars. 

7) Please drive at the crazy speed of at least 40 mph while in the parking lot. It makes my morning exciting and helps me become fully alert. 

8) Please don't use any signals. They just confuse. 

9) I know you don't want the new Hummer daddy bought for you to get scratched, so please feel free to take up more than one parking space. There isn't a parking crisis on campus, so this isn't a problem. 

10) Feel free to park in red zones and handicap parking. It's fine if it's only for a minute. 

Thank you.