Dear student,

Remember that class you didn't pass? And that class you went to the director to then withdraw from? Remember how I said you couldn't graduate without that class? And remember how you lied and told me the department chair said you could? Well guess what. YOU DID NOT GRADUATE. YOU CANNOT HAVE A PROOF OF DEGREE FROM ME.



I know this is shocking. I know this is something you may not of heard from me, my department chair, my dean, the director and the graduation office. Why would they tell you that you weren't graduating?

And remember how you begged me to make an exception because you've worked so hard?

Of course you should be so surprised to find out that life doesn't work that way. You should get a "B" for breathing. And because you didn't do the work to finish your degree, I should just make an exception and say that you finished your degree. Because you worked so gosh darn hard.

But according to you, you can say you have a degree. You can tell a potential employer you have a degree. Because saying it makes it true. Why would you need proof? And it is so unfortunate that now the employer is asking for proof. Because apparently just saying it isn't good enough.

Better luck next time.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email today. Of course an anthropology degree will not do you much good. You know, I will be happy to create a degree for you that specifically mentions that your "time and money were not a total waste". Because education is always a complete waste of time and money. Except yours. And since you "don't really care what degree [you] get" I'm happy to just make it up for you.

Additionally I will see what "manipulations" and "exceptions" I can find so you can complete. After all, I would hate for you to feel like you "have to give up" because it's too hard. Especially when you're only two semesters away.

Besides, as you said, you already have a job so why would you need a degree? I completely agree. So, never mind. Just give up and be happy with your current job. I'm sure it will last forever and you will never find it necessary to have a degree. Especially one in "just" Anthropology.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email sent to your faculty today. I am happy that you want to celebrate your husband's best friend's birthday. I know that class totally gets in the way of that. So feel free to just skip class. Your attendance doesn't matter at all. Don't worry about your grade. Go. Have fun. And feel free to continue to do the absolute bare minimum to complete your degree. I know that work and class and responsibilities will continue to hinder your ability to have fun and do whatever you want whenever you want. No problem.

Sincerely,

Me

*this post is based on an actual email received by one of my faculty. The email says (direct copy and paste): 

"I was wondering if I had one more day that I could miss. We are celebrating my husbands best friends' birthday tomorrow and I wanted to join in the celebration if I still had one more class that I could miss." 

I'm sure all faculty everywhere love to see these kind of emails.