Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dear Student, 

I apologize for taking some time off for the holiday. I know this meant that the pressing issue you needed taken care of over the break had to wait a couple of extra days to be addressed. I know that even though you have had over an entire month to take care of this issue you chose to do it the day before Thanksgiving meant that it was definitely my fault that the issue was not actually resolved until my return. I also know that even though I had to wait for the information from you to resolve your issue, the fact that it took me more than a day after my return to work is abominable. 

This all resulted from my vacation time, and I am sorry. From now on I will work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, through all holidays, JUST IN CASE you decide that THAT is the time you want to resolve your dilemmas. 

Sincerely, 
Me

Monday, November 30, 2009

Dear student,

I first want to thank you for your honesty. Calling an assignment "completely bogus" and putting that in your write up definitely makes me want to give you an A. You obviously got out of the assignment what I was hoping for. You are astute in your observation that I assign work, just to assign work, and not with the assumption that there is anything valuable to be gained. While your classmates may have lied through their teeth and told me what they learned from the process, you alone will receive full credit.

I appreciate the minimal effort you put into the assignment, fully completing HALF the length of the write up. Way to go. Not to mention, you never addressed the topic of the assignment. I know that if you had even attempted to address the topic writing a full TWO PAGES would have been too easy.

I also appreciate that you did not take the time to proofread your assignment. Misspelling my name was definitely a great move and proved to me how much you pay attention. And how could I expect you, as a senior in college, to know the difference between their, there, and they're? Obviously they should all mean the same. I know I am picking on all the small things, and don't worry, I will provide you with zero feedback. I hope this is enough that you really will get into that graduate program you are hoping for.

It's been a pleasure to grade all your half attempted work.


Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dear Student, 

Thank you so much for your eagerness to meet with me. I understand the dire circumstances that necessitated you following me into the bathroom with your urgent question. I mean, there was definitely no way that you could have foreseen registration coming up, or contacted me at any point in the last month to discuss what courses you should take. 

It was not at all uncomfortable to have you talking at me through the stall door. I apologize I did not remember your situation right off the bat and couldn't give you more specific information. I should be dedicated to serving just you, and you alone, so that I can know everything off the top of my head and be available for you at any instant you may think you need to talk to me. 

From now on feel free to also follow me to class, to lunch, home, and to stop me in the grocery store. I am always on the clock and always thinking about you and your situation. 

Sincerely, 
Me

Monday, August 24, 2009

Parking Lot Rules for Students

As the new semester starts, here is just a reminder of some things that will help with parking: 

1) Please feel free to park in the Employee parking lot. Don't worry, as you've mentioned to me many times before, you are special. 

2) Please ignore the NO LOADING OR UNLOADING sign. It is there just as a funny gag. You don't actually block any kind of traffic while you are waiting there to pick up your significant other. 

3) Speaking of significant others, please provide as much PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as possible. We know and understand that it will be AT LEAST one WHOLE hour before you see them again. 

4) The NO LOADING OR UNLOADING zone is absolutely perfect for the above mentioned PDA. Since he has to get out of the car anyway to "let" her drive home it's a perfect time to do the 20 minute goodbyes. 

5) Please walk down the middle of the parking rows while texting on your cell phone. Don't worry, I don't have anywhere to be anytime soon. Take all the time you want. 

6) Please talk on your cell phone wall trolling for parking spaces. Your lack of attention assists in running over other students and hitting already parked cars. 

7) Please drive at the crazy speed of at least 40 mph while in the parking lot. It makes my morning exciting and helps me become fully alert. 

8) Please don't use any signals. They just confuse. 

9) I know you don't want the new Hummer daddy bought for you to get scratched, so please feel free to take up more than one parking space. There isn't a parking crisis on campus, so this isn't a problem. 

10) Feel free to park in red zones and handicap parking. It's fine if it's only for a minute. 

Thank you.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dear student,

Thank you for contacting me in this last week of classes. I completely understand your confusion with ending up short of where you thought you were with your credits. However, this is because you took the exact same class twice. 

Now I know how difficult it is to keep track of what classes you have already taken, and can certainly understand not recognizing material you have already seen - especially since you took the same class from the same instructor. But now that you are into the week of finals, I have to congratulate you on eventually recognizing the class. 

I also realize that this is, in fact, my fault. Of COURSE I told you to register for a class you have already taken. That is precisely why I wrote the class on your degree sheet and checked it off. It was because I wanted you to take the class, not indicate that you had already taken it.

In any case, this means that you have retaken the class. The good news is that we will take the most recent grade, giving you the opportunity to improve your GPA. The bad news is that you will have to take a NEW class to apply to your program.


Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dear student,

I apologize for attempting to contact you so early this morning. From now on I will only return your calls after 12 pm. Thanks to your informative voicemail I now know that 11 am is too early.


Sincerely,
Me

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Parents are fun too...

Dear Mr. Parent, 

I certainly enjoy my conversations with you. I enjoy the fact that I speak with you more often than I speak to your student. I also enjoy the conference call conversations that we have with your daughter where she cannot get a word in edgewise, despite how often I specifically address questions to her. 

I was particularly entertained that you call me when YOU are having a hard time registering your daughter for a specific class and you use the term "we" when speaking about the courses. As in, "so when we take this class it will fulfill this requirement..." and I cannot help but wonder how much of the class you are actually doing "for the sake of your daughter". 

I can only imagine how this kind of "help" is preparing your daughter to face life after college. 


Sincerely,
Me

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Dear Student, 

Thank you for your email regarding courses for fall. I cannot tell you how happy I am to look up every single possible class and each available section of each of these classes that might possibly work with your schedule. I know we put the entire schedule online, with the convenient "C" for closed classes, but I know how important this is to you and how much you would rather I just tell you what is available specifically for you. 

Given that I know your exact situation so well, including your work schedule, your preferred socializing times, what instructors you like and don't like, and what classes you prefer to take, it is a snap to just whip off this response that includes all the information that is too complicated for you to look up for yourself. But since I am here to work with you, and only you, it makes my day. 


Sincerely,
Me
Dear student, 

Thank you for your repeated phone calling today. I could see your number on my caller ID and see that you called me every 5 minutes or so. I know I should have ignored the student in my office to pick up your call that was obviously so urgent and I apologize that I did not think to do that. 

Next time, please leave me a message letting me know what the urgent issue is and I promise I will call you back. Or better yet, when I see your phone number appear again on my caller ID I will automatically drop whatever I am doing to address your extremely urgent concern, the concern that was so urgent that you couldn't possibly leave a message.


Sincerely,
Me

Friday, June 19, 2009

Dear Student, 

Thank you for your ranting phone call today. It's always a pleasure to hear that you have experienced trouble because of procrastination that you blame on me. I appreciate the fact that you needed to register two weeks ago in order to be eligible for your scholarship. I also appreciate the fact that someone extended the deadline, specifically for you, for today. 

I know this means that you HAVE to meet with me TODAY so that you can keep your scholarship that has already been extended and that the last two weeks were didn't work because you had so many other important things on your mind. It is easy to forget the important steps that are involved with such an important aspect of your education. 

I will therefore call all of my students who have scheduled appointments with me today and clear my schedule specifically to accommodate you. I hope this is sufficient. 

Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dear Student,

Thank you for calling me today. I appreciate your message and am looking forward to assisting you in the program. Seeing as you left me no contact information, no name, and no student ID number I will be making my best guess as to who you are and will attempt to reach you telepathically. 

Thank you.


SIncerely,
Me

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dear Student, 

Thank you for inquiring about your total number of general electives. It does look like you have taken more general electives than necessary, which of course is my fault as your advisor. I know I was the person that recommended you take the broad range of classes from political science, food production and sports medicine. 

Even though they are so broad in range, and none of them even closely resembles a psychology class, I understand that they should count toward psychology credit. I know the classes were difficult which is exactly why rigor can definitely be considered for substitution as opposed to content of the class being considered for the substitution. 

We will also disregard the number of major specific courses the department has, up to this point, regarded as necessary for you to be fully educated in the major. 

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.


Sincerely,
Me

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dear Student,

Thank you for your concern regarding class scheduling. We are working on accommodating your particular schedule in every way possible and therefore submit this humble request for a copy of your Franklin planner.

Please be sure to include your specific requests for the courses you think would best be offered online, the courses that you think should be offered by specific faculty and the courses that you would prefer not to take at all. We will happily work to make sure this works for you.

We have faculty standing by, ready and waiting to develop this particular program, in the desired delivery method, specifically just for you.

Thank you again for your concern.


Sincerely,
Me
Dear Student,

I applaud the fact that you are doing everything possible to avoid taking math. I understand your loathing and detestation for the subject and your belief that math has absolutely nothing to do with the "real world". However, in your zeal to avoid the subject, and any of the possible prerequisites, the D grade you received through the independent study class (that brilliantly does not require any prerequisites or placement testing) is not sufficient for your math credit here, as I know it should be. We will therefore take into account the fact that you even attempted the course and give you credit for trying. Hopefully this is a sufficient solution to your problem.

Oh, and best of luck next semester in your statistics class that is required for the major. Hopefully your faculty will be just as sympathetic.


Sincerely,
Me

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Student,

Thank you so much for attempting to activate the emergency contact system I should have in place. However, while you attempted to contact me a mere 6 times over the weekend (three times on Saturday, twice on Sunday and once Monday morning at 7 am), in order to actually put yourself at the front of the line, you would have had to contact me more than 10 times over the weekend. This also includes holidays, however it does drop down to a mere 5 calls on Christmas eve.

Hopefully this information will be helpful as I am sure you will want to activate this system for next registration period.


Sincerely,
Me
Dear student, 

Prerequisites are, in fact, not real. Especially for you. You are special and do not need the experience or education the department had decided was in students' best interest before taking a class. So feel free to disregard and take your anger and frustration out on me because you knew this, and I did not. I apologize for the miscommunication and submit my resignation as your advisor, effective immediately.


Sincerely,
Me