Dear Student,

Thank you for your email today. I am well aware that the new semester starts in two weeks. I am glad that you are also aware of this fact. Given that you acknowledge that you are aware of this fact, I can completely understand that it is my fault you are just now registering for your classes.

In addition to that, I understand your request to take 27 credits in one semester. As you said, you're "this far along I don't see why the school would care if i took 27 credits in one semester." Because yes, it's definitely a factor of how CLOSE you are to graduation, not how well you do in those classes. Your 2.8 GPA is in no way reflective of how well you would do taking more than twice the number of credits you've been taking. Why wouldn't you be successful?

Also, one of the additional classes is not offered in the Spring. This is specifically why I recommended this course for fall. But of course it is my fault you did not take it. This also makes it very difficult for you to register for this class in the spring. Given that you also acknowledged this in your email I must confess at being a bit confused. Granted, I could, as you suggested, just waive that capstone requirement, or just not make you take it at all. The course is just an arbitrary course and definitely not listed in the CORE of your major. Of course we can just find something else to count in it's place - especially since you have already demonstrated such exceptional academic ability in your major.

I think I should just print your diploma right now.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your inquiry about adding an upper division course. As I have stated before, you need to meet the prerequisites. I understand your strong desire to take a marriage course because you are 31 and have been married for three years now. However, marriage itself is not the prerequisite. PSY 1010 is the prerequisite. Strong desire, while helpful in other areas of your life, is not enough now.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your frustration about not being able to register for upper division courses. Of course, we list all of our prerequisites online, but that is definitely too difficult to find. It is always much easier to just call me and tell me you want to add the class. And of course, it's me that is preventing you from registering. Not the prerequisites.

I know that when we list the prerequisite as PSY 1010 that of course also means PSY 1100. That is implied. Those courses could not possibly be different. Despite the fact that they have two separate course numbers they should be interchangeable. I know that if you took PSY 1100 we should let you take any course that lists the prerequisite as PSY 1010. Of course they are the same! I will fix that immediately.

Additionally, I know that requiring an intermediate writing course before an upper division course is "lame". Of course it is lame! Heaven forbid we want you to be able to write a proper research paper for any of the junior or senior level courses. Our goal should be to make this degree as easy as possible for you to complete without all the lame rules and regulations.You won't have to deal with any rules and regulations in the "real world".

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your multiple concerned emails spanning yesterday and today. Given that registration opened over a week ago, I understand how there was no way you could know about the holds on your account until yesterday. However, even with the holds gone, there is still NO WAY for you to register for a course that does not exist. It is not an invisible class, it is not just hiding from you - the course DOES NOT EXIST. And so yes, registering for it is difficult. I would go so far as to say it is impossible. I recommend looking for a course that does exist and try registering for that instead.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your barrage of emails today. I don't think I fully understood how crazy you were until the last of the 18 emails sent in less than a 24 hour period and I appreciate the clarification.

I thank you for informing me that you are seeking therapy and, while I do not need to know this, it does help to think that the first issue your counselor may address is your excessive emailing habits. Your emailing has truly made me aware of the effects of the "crackberry". However, I am not addicted to my email, so I apologize that I do not respond in kind.

Your sincere apology and explanation about the "mean spirited" things you said about one of my faculty members has completely dissuaded me from filing documentation with our institution ombuds and I'm sure the faculty member has completely forgiven you for your ridiculous accusations and ranting, as well as your assault on their email.

I know your apology had nothing to do with your realization that this faculty is the only faculty that teaches one of your core courses required for graduation. I am positive this comes out of the pure kindness of your heart.

I am glad that prayer and fasting has guided you through this very difficult 24 hours. I am positive that the next 13 weeks of the semester will be much less stressful and you shouldn't have any additional "trials".

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your phone call today. I understand your concern about the required textbook for your Art 1010 course. Of course, any kind of art that includes naked people is going to be considered pornographic. However, we are a state school and don't have any concerns about having pornography for required reading. We think it is good for you and allows the liberal mindset to take over. If you don't want to participate, you don't have to get a college degree. That is the best way to keep you from being exposed to things you know are bad.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Thank you for blaming me for your procrastination. Of course there was no way for you to know that registration for fall would happen before the day classes started. This makes logical sense.

As far as picking courses, students are able to see exactly the same information regarding course availability that advisors can; if you see that everything you want to take is full, that's what I will see as well. The college is currently in development for this secret page, magic button, and/or fairy wand that I can use to suddenly find classes that are open and available just for you, because you are, in fact, special. However, you do not yet possess the knowledge of the secret code to access these options, so I am afraid you are not THAT special.  You will just have to register early for spring.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email today. However, nothing has changed between yesterday and today. You still do not have the prerequisite. I still cannot waive that prerequisite. I know there is some magic pill or something that I should have taken that would give me this super power, but the genie did not grant your wish, or mine. Please follow the process that every other student has to follow, because you still are not that special.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your concern about your English placement. I understand that you don't want to take the course you placed into. I definitely agree that because you took "a lot" of English courses in high school that definitely exempts you from college English. 

The many courses you took in High School obviously prepared you for college and your test scores just don't accurately reflect your ability. I know you will "work hard" and should therefore we should make an exception for you to take a class higher than where you've placed. We should definitely agree with you and express no concern for the preparation you have and your ability to be successful. Again, I forgot that you're willing to "work hard". It has nothing to do with content that you need to know.

You are right - our placement test is completely lame and unfair. It definitely doesn't take into account your current skills or abilities. It's an arbitrary process that you should be exempt from. And just because you don't want to take the course, you shouldn't have to.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your message. Leaving a call back number for ShopKo was surprisingly helpful. Now that I've had you paged I will just wait until we can connect that way.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your transfer plans. I am as thrilled as you are that you want to transfer to the state University instead of staying here to finish your degree. It was a little difficult to pick up on your transfer plans given you showed up in full state U gear. 

You know that I am as disappointed to be here as you are. I wish I worked at such a "hallowed" institution like state University, instead of just here at this lowly university. I know that my job SHOULD be to get all of my students to transfer elsewhere. I know I should spend all of my time looking at state U's requirements, knowing state U's courses, and state U's curriculum and state U's faculty so that I can more effectively help you transfer. It would definitely be more helpful to know that information than to know the information for the university that I actually work for. 

Good luck with your transfer plans and I hope you don't waste too much time here before you leave.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

I am impressed by your efficient message leaving system. You have managed to leave everyone in my office a message, except for me. You left a message with two of the administrative assistants, a student worker, and my department chair. All of your messages indicate that you want me to send you an email, but you never left an email address. Your messages also indicate that you want me to call you after 5 since you work from 9-5. What a coincidence; so do I. 

I would love to work with you via email. It would be great if you could teach me how to email a phone number, since that is obviously what you expect. But until I learn how, I guess we are at an impasse, despite your efficient message leaving skills.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your multiple phone calls this morning. By my count you called my office more than 15 times today between the hours of 8 am and 10:30 am. That does not include the calls you made to the administrative assistant who brought me all of your frantic messages; messages you could not leave on my voicemail. (I know this because you would call, hang up when you got my voicemail message, and immediately call back multiple times in a row). I know I should have picked up the phone but when I am with a student I do not answer the phone for another student. This is a courtesy I would also give to you, were you the student in my office.

Unfortunately, we do not currently have a frequent caller program. You do not get special benefits, special treatment, or a free class for being a frequent caller. The reward we can offer you is a very frustrated advisor and administrative assistant who now recognize your phone number and will not pick up when you call. You get to leave a message and as always I will return your call as soon as I can.

Congratulations.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your call this morning. Classes started two weeks ago. Yes, you are too late. No, there is nothing I can do for you. And yes, that makes me heartless.

See you next semester.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your phone call today. I know that you are completely outraged by the fact that we are not giving you credit for a class you are transferring here. I understand that outrage. Especially because the reason we are not giving you credit is that you have not yet given us the opportunity to evaluate that transfer credit. 

I know you turned in your transcripts on Friday and at the very least we should have been able to evaluate the credit and input it into the system in less than 1 working day. But I also recognize that you HAVE to be the ONLY one turning in transcripts right now. And we also had the weekend. It seems perfectly reasonable that you want to call and argue with me about not getting credit. 

It is also perfectly reasonable that the reason you want to argue with me is because you are worried about missing the graduation application deadline. Of course I've NEVER told you to have your transcripts sent here and I NEVER told you to do it before last semester. I like that you're in a pinch and it has nothing to do with your own procrastination. I take full responsibility. 

I have called the transfer office and they have put your transcripts at the front of the line so it should be evaluated by the end of today. After all, 24 hours is a reasonable request. And, of course, YOU are special. 

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Students,
Thank you for your glowing ratings on my Student Ratings of Instructor. I love the fact that you appreciated all of the coursework I carefully planned for your education. "Busywork" was indeed what I was striving for in this class because I have nothing better to do than grade busywork. "Too much busywork, not enough actual learning" is definitely MY responsibility. I didn't actually give you assignments that were supposed to help you LEARN. 

I appreciate that, as you said: "I pay my tuition and I want my teachers to also work for there money" [sic]. I appreciate that you pointed out that I was obviously not working hard enough to give you the detailed feedback I provided. Had you merely wanted your assignments back with nothing but a grade I could have done that within minutes. 

I am sorry that you did not understand my humor when I'm SURE I was JOKING about the death in your family. While I don't remember you actually talking to me about your situation, I have never been one to work with a student who was dealing with issues like that. I enjoy being rude to students, as I am sure I was to you on this occasion. 

Also, I am sure I was rude to you about your assignments. Expecting you to turn them in ON TIME, especially when I gave you an extension, was definitely asking too much.

Thank you again students, for all of your work this past semester. It has never been such a pleasure to teach this class. 


Sincerely,
Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your email regarding your situation. I understand that you want to add a class and the class is full. I appreciate that you understand that the only way to add a class is through an add card signed by the instructor. 

I think adding this class is a great idea, especially considering you situation. The class meets during your work hours, which is why you cannot come to class to get the add card signed. While this might pose a problem for some students I admire the fact that you are not letting something simple like this scheduling conflict get in the way of you wanting to add the class. However, like attending the class, I will have to tell you that you will have to figure out how to be in two places at once in order to get your add card signed. 

Good luck.


Sincerely,
Me