Wednesday, December 7, 2011



Dear student,

Using text speak in your emails just makes me realize how smart and sophisticated you are. It definitely makes me want to help you as much as possible. I am sure that given the amount of intelligence it takes to craft a text speak email you have the critical thinking skills necessary to solve your own problems, but you shouldn’t have to use them. Instead, I am happy to solve all your problems for you.

Sincerely,
Me

Monday, August 29, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for visiting me on the first day of classes. And congratulations on your decision to change life directions. I am happy for you that you quit the job that was making you miserable and am glad that you want to go back to school. And the first day of class is just that day to make that decision. Never mind that you have not applied, been accepted, posted test scores or any number of things you have to do to return to school. You should just show up to classes.

I know the classes are all full, and I know how surprising that is, but for you we should just make an exception. Procrastination is always key, especially when it comes to your education.

Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for contacting me yesterday and today. Twice. I agree that your transcripts should have arrived and been evaluated between 5 pm yesterday and 7:30 am this morning. We have elves that work around the clock to evaluate those transcripts because we know it's our fault, not yours, for starting this process so late.

I agree that I should let you register anyway. However, if I do, I am pretty sure my Dean will revoke my privileges and banish me to the outer annex.

I hope you have better luck.

Sincerely,
Me

Monday, May 2, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for meeting with me today. I appreciate that you want to get internship credit for your experience. However, we only offer a senior internship. I know that your friend is getting credit, but that's because she is a senior. You are not. I know you should probably share the same class standing because you guys are best friends. And because she can work it into her degree you should be able to. Unfortunately, you are indeed separate people with separate experiences, and her experiences do not qualify you to get credit.

Sincerely,
Me

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for letting me read your cover letter today. It is an excellent example of quality and thoughtfulness. I especially appreciated that you are applying for a "social position" and that you are looking forward to working with "mentally ill and psycho people". There is not a more professional or eloquent way of phrasing your interest.  I know that your degree in Behavioral Science has done an excellent job in preparing you to work with psycho people. I know working in this department has helped me.

Good luck in your search.

Sincerely,
Me

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email this morning. I am totally impressed by your ability to completely transform numbers and your critical thinking skills that surpass my level of understanding. Somehow you have managed to make PSY 275R the same as PSY 1010. Though, to me, these look like two different courses because the numbers are different, you have made them be the same!

So yes, don't worry about taking the PSY 1010 course I have recommended that you add for fall. Forget that I told you three different times that it was PSY 1010. You are right that PSY 275R is the exact same thing.

Cool.

Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for your frantic phone call today. Thank you also for noting that you knew you were breaking protocol by calling me instead of your assigned advisor. Thank you also for just rambling on and on and on trying to re-explain a situation that your assigned advisor would already know.

I know it is difficult to get a hold of your advisor, but while you kept me on the phone for 14 minutes recounting your problems to me, I'm sure there were no students that are actually assigned to me that were then having similar difficulties getting in touch with me.

I also really appreciated that it was so urgent for you to talk to me and yet you would put me on hold or ask me to wait while you had a conversation with someone else. This is definitely an effective use of my time.


Thank you again for being respectful of my time and our policies. I appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Me

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dear Student,
I sadly submit my humble resignation as your advisor, effective today. Due to the new advising split in the department, you are no longer my student.

I know I am sad that I will miss the 2 hour advising sessions in which you insisted on leaving with a color coded plan. I will miss your over sharing about your OCD and other mental illnesses. I will miss you harassing me every semester because, yet again, you failed to register on time. I will miss your angry outbursts and your frequent calls to request letters to try and extend your financial aid. I will miss that you never follow any plan that I work out for you and your yelling at me when the plan is different the next time we put it together. I will miss your long drawn out explanations about how you are going to be a doctor  because you can go to the Dominican Republic to study medicine.

I know this upsets me and I deeply regret the change. Best of luck with your new advisor.

Sincerely,
Me

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dear Student,
Thank you for your email today. I could not tell it was just copied and pasted from the first three emails you have already sent me and that I have already responded to. I told you that you needed to reapply. Guess what? You still need to reapply. And you know where you asked me if you needed to reapply? And where I told you that you needed to reapply? You still need to reapply. I honestly do not know how much clearer I can tell you that YOU NEED TO REAPPLY. It was both the first and last thing I wrote in my last email. But it's obvious that I just was not clear enough.

I will work on my clarity in the future. But before we continue working together, please reapply.

Sincerely,
Me

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear Student,


Thank you for your frantic phone call today. You are correct. The class you were registered for just "magically" disappeared. We were hoping you would never notice that you were administratively dropped from the class because you failed the prerequisite course.

You know, that's the funny thing about prerequisite courses. You not only have to take the prerequisite, you actually have to PASS the prerequisite. I know that it is unbelievably unclear and our expectations are so muddled. I'm sure the email we sent you two weeks ago stating "You do not have the prerequisite for this course. You are being dropped from this course" was incredibly confusing. I don't know how you should have been able to gather that you were administratively dropped.

But again, you are right. It did just "magically" disappear. Unfortunately, I do not have a magic wand and so cannot make it magically reappear.


Sincerely,

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email. I am glad you want to "meat" with me, but I don't take meals with students. If you would like to "meet" with me we can schedule an appointment.

Sincerely,
Me