Dear student,

Thank you for your barrage of emails today. I don't think I fully understood how crazy you were until the last of the 18 emails sent in less than a 24 hour period and I appreciate the clarification.

I thank you for informing me that you are seeking therapy and, while I do not need to know this, it does help to think that the first issue your counselor may address is your excessive emailing habits. Your emailing has truly made me aware of the effects of the "crackberry". However, I am not addicted to my email, so I apologize that I do not respond in kind.

Your sincere apology and explanation about the "mean spirited" things you said about one of my faculty members has completely dissuaded me from filing documentation with our institution ombuds and I'm sure the faculty member has completely forgiven you for your ridiculous accusations and ranting, as well as your assault on their email.

I know your apology had nothing to do with your realization that this faculty is the only faculty that teaches one of your core courses required for graduation. I am positive this comes out of the pure kindness of your heart.

I am glad that prayer and fasting has guided you through this very difficult 24 hours. I am positive that the next 13 weeks of the semester will be much less stressful and you shouldn't have any additional "trials".

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your phone call today. I understand your concern about the required textbook for your Art 1010 course. Of course, any kind of art that includes naked people is going to be considered pornographic. However, we are a state school and don't have any concerns about having pornography for required reading. We think it is good for you and allows the liberal mindset to take over. If you don't want to participate, you don't have to get a college degree. That is the best way to keep you from being exposed to things you know are bad.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear student,

Thank you for blaming me for your procrastination. Of course there was no way for you to know that registration for fall would happen before the day classes started. This makes logical sense.

As far as picking courses, students are able to see exactly the same information regarding course availability that advisors can; if you see that everything you want to take is full, that's what I will see as well. The college is currently in development for this secret page, magic button, and/or fairy wand that I can use to suddenly find classes that are open and available just for you, because you are, in fact, special. However, you do not yet possess the knowledge of the secret code to access these options, so I am afraid you are not THAT special.  You will just have to register early for spring.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your email today. However, nothing has changed between yesterday and today. You still do not have the prerequisite. I still cannot waive that prerequisite. I know there is some magic pill or something that I should have taken that would give me this super power, but the genie did not grant your wish, or mine. Please follow the process that every other student has to follow, because you still are not that special.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for your concern about your English placement. I understand that you don't want to take the course you placed into. I definitely agree that because you took "a lot" of English courses in high school that definitely exempts you from college English. 

The many courses you took in High School obviously prepared you for college and your test scores just don't accurately reflect your ability. I know you will "work hard" and should therefore we should make an exception for you to take a class higher than where you've placed. We should definitely agree with you and express no concern for the preparation you have and your ability to be successful. Again, I forgot that you're willing to "work hard". It has nothing to do with content that you need to know.

You are right - our placement test is completely lame and unfair. It definitely doesn't take into account your current skills or abilities. It's an arbitrary process that you should be exempt from. And just because you don't want to take the course, you shouldn't have to.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear student,

Thank you for your message. Leaving a call back number for ShopKo was surprisingly helpful. Now that I've had you paged I will just wait until we can connect that way.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your transfer plans. I am as thrilled as you are that you want to transfer to the state University instead of staying here to finish your degree. It was a little difficult to pick up on your transfer plans given you showed up in full state U gear. 

You know that I am as disappointed to be here as you are. I wish I worked at such a "hallowed" institution like state University, instead of just here at this lowly university. I know that my job SHOULD be to get all of my students to transfer elsewhere. I know I should spend all of my time looking at state U's requirements, knowing state U's courses, and state U's curriculum and state U's faculty so that I can more effectively help you transfer. It would definitely be more helpful to know that information than to know the information for the university that I actually work for. 

Good luck with your transfer plans and I hope you don't waste too much time here before you leave.


Sincerely,
Me