Dear student,

I apologize for attempting to contact you so early this morning. From now on I will only return your calls after 12 pm. Thanks to your informative voicemail I now know that 11 am is too early.


Sincerely,
Me

Parents are fun too...

Dear Mr. Parent, 

I certainly enjoy my conversations with you. I enjoy the fact that I speak with you more often than I speak to your student. I also enjoy the conference call conversations that we have with your daughter where she cannot get a word in edgewise, despite how often I specifically address questions to her. 

I was particularly entertained that you call me when YOU are having a hard time registering your daughter for a specific class and you use the term "we" when speaking about the courses. As in, "so when we take this class it will fulfill this requirement..." and I cannot help but wonder how much of the class you are actually doing "for the sake of your daughter". 

I can only imagine how this kind of "help" is preparing your daughter to face life after college. 


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student, 

Thank you for your email regarding courses for fall. I cannot tell you how happy I am to look up every single possible class and each available section of each of these classes that might possibly work with your schedule. I know we put the entire schedule online, with the convenient "C" for closed classes, but I know how important this is to you and how much you would rather I just tell you what is available specifically for you. 

Given that I know your exact situation so well, including your work schedule, your preferred socializing times, what instructors you like and don't like, and what classes you prefer to take, it is a snap to just whip off this response that includes all the information that is too complicated for you to look up for yourself. But since I am here to work with you, and only you, it makes my day. 


Sincerely,
Me

Dear student, 

Thank you for your repeated phone calling today. I could see your number on my caller ID and see that you called me every 5 minutes or so. I know I should have ignored the student in my office to pick up your call that was obviously so urgent and I apologize that I did not think to do that. 

Next time, please leave me a message letting me know what the urgent issue is and I promise I will call you back. Or better yet, when I see your phone number appear again on my caller ID I will automatically drop whatever I am doing to address your extremely urgent concern, the concern that was so urgent that you couldn't possibly leave a message.


Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student, 

Thank you for your ranting phone call today. It's always a pleasure to hear that you have experienced trouble because of procrastination that you blame on me. I appreciate the fact that you needed to register two weeks ago in order to be eligible for your scholarship. I also appreciate the fact that someone extended the deadline, specifically for you, for today. 

I know this means that you HAVE to meet with me TODAY so that you can keep your scholarship that has already been extended and that the last two weeks were didn't work because you had so many other important things on your mind. It is easy to forget the important steps that are involved with such an important aspect of your education. 

I will therefore call all of my students who have scheduled appointments with me today and clear my schedule specifically to accommodate you. I hope this is sufficient. 

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Student,

Thank you for calling me today. I appreciate your message and am looking forward to assisting you in the program. Seeing as you left me no contact information, no name, and no student ID number I will be making my best guess as to who you are and will attempt to reach you telepathically. 

Thank you.


SIncerely,
Me

Dear Student, 

Thank you for inquiring about your total number of general electives. It does look like you have taken more general electives than necessary, which of course is my fault as your advisor. I know I was the person that recommended you take the broad range of classes from political science, food production and sports medicine. 

Even though they are so broad in range, and none of them even closely resembles a psychology class, I understand that they should count toward psychology credit. I know the classes were difficult which is exactly why rigor can definitely be considered for substitution as opposed to content of the class being considered for the substitution. 

We will also disregard the number of major specific courses the department has, up to this point, regarded as necessary for you to be fully educated in the major. 

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.


Sincerely,
Me